Calm, Happy and at Peace

Today turned out to be a rather hard day; in the way that I was somewhat an emotional roller coaster.

When I woke up this morning I had a feeling that something wasn’t quite right. As the minutes ticked by it started to dawn on me that I was experiencing something that I can only describe as angst, maybe even panic. I have been introduced to a couple of new stress factors the last few days, all of them originating from new courses, changes in topics and a intimidating workload. It might be that I’m starting to go into a period of some depression (I have been through a couple the last 3-4 years), or that it is just a natural response to the circumstances that I am subjecting myself to.

The last 2 hours before my first lecture were filled with the growing terror of leaving my flat, I just didn’t “feel” like subjecting myself to any more stress, feeling like there was a kind of hopelesness to my situation, that I probably would snap at any moment. When it was down to a half hour left until I had to go, I decided to try some meditation techniques that I had been reading about and made some attempts at the weekend before. After what seemed like an hour (turned out to be only 20 minutes), I was feeling a lot better, and I was actually feeling that I was getting some clarity over the situation. (The method is to keep repeating a kind of mantra, focusing on the words and the meaning…concentrating on calming and silencing the mind)

As I walked to my lecture I kept repeating to myself the mantra;  “I am calm, happy and at peace“…

What started out as an chaotic morning became one of insight, I clearly have some issues that I have to work out, concerning my studies and my obsession over academic performance (which has followed me since I was in my early teens).If I am to grow these things will limit my development in other aspects of my life, since they will be controlled by the same tendencies.

This has convinced me that meditation is something I should take a deeper interest in (it’s clearly worth looking into if it can help in situations as the one of today), and that I still have deeper emotional in-balances to take care of before I can start making any progress towards a higher level of consciousness. I do however think that these are all interwoven together, and that all the small changes that I can make in my life will be a part of the big changes that I am hoping to achieve.

I will try to find a clearer explination to the meditations that I’m trying…but as with everything worth doing, progress takes time and commitment!